An Aire of Reassurance

Walking around campus lost and finding my way, filling out forms on line and confirming payment,buying books, and figuring out which parking lots are student friendly and which aren't. It's all part of my new student identity. In a million years, I would not have guessed this would be where the wind would blow me, yet I find myself sitting and waiting in a classroom where all the other kids are just that.....kids! Yet, there's a comfort this time around. A certain security knowing I have the wind at my back.

As class begins I find myself sitting front and center, so as not to miss a word. The information is a fresh flow of information, and my understanding of it... all still raw. My hand cramps, gripping my pen with white knuckles,jotting down every blurb that escapes my young professors mouth. As class ends I find myself wanting more, however I'm glad to slightly relax, give my hand, and put my body to rest.

Time is of the essence. Having very little to spare, each unit of time is accounted for reading, mommying,teachering,wifeing,chauffeuring,homeworking, cooking(whatever),grocery shopping, choreing, etc.. My goal is to make sure to cover all my responsibilities as accurately as possible. I find myself squeezing time out of moments. Amazingly I do give myself credit for doing so... sylphlike with accuracy, however the guilt....oh the guilt of not being there as regularly, of the time missed with the family, of not being there for my friends birthdays, or friends undergoing kemo, or other friends in the hospital with life threatening infections, or visiting or calling my parents before they leave the country, etc. etc. adds a whole other dimension of what am I doing and why? Is it worth it? I did make sure to be there for each of our children's soccer games. My priorities again in check. These games regenerated my strength. Each of my children shined beyond my expectations, and a regained motherly warmness filled me up. Highlighted by Avery and his soccer team, owning the field, passing the ball like a pinball from one team mate to the next, ( by the way...playing a team that kicked our butts last season.) Scoring again and again.... until an incredible team play completed with an purely awesome goal scored by Avery. Adrenaline filled my soul, and my son took my breath away. Moments of pristine quality. Swept up by the breeze on my cheek. My glass refilled. Once again....Leaning in the right direction, it's all going to be o.k!